I have a terrible confession to make: I missed Ken’s birthday. It wasn’t just any birthday either. Ken is now 50 years old. You have to admit, for 50, Ken looks pretty frickin’ hot even if his complexion is a little waxy from too much plastox (aka doll Botox).
I’m not sure what I would have gotten him anyway. Maybe a little cupcake from the erotic bakery would have sufficed. (I must admit I’m not sure exactly which body part he would prefer for his cupcake.) What else can you get the best-looking piece of plastic on the entire face of the earth?
Don’t tell Barbie, but I think Ken could do much, much better than Barbie. Ken has been loyal to her for God knows how long, and all Barbie ever does is tramp around in her fancy convertible and show off her-dream Malibu house whenever she has a chance. He’s just her boy-toy. (I know, I know. They’re back together and everything seems peachy-keen between America’s favorite couple, but is it really? I’ve heard rumors that Ken and Barbie’s sex life really isn’t all that great—a little bird told me that TMZ posted a copy of a prescription for Viagra for Ken. It’s also rumored that Barbie is considering ANOTHER boob job.)
I know, I know. Barbie does look good for her age, but she’s so out-dated. Ken’s really trying to reach out to the younger generation and Barbie just wants to be the eternal surfer girl. I’m sorry to break it to you, Barbie, but orange skin is not in any more. You may erase away all of your wrinkles, but that won’t help you when they have to freeze-dry the skin cancer off of your perma-grin cheeks.
Mattel is not even doing that much for Barbie any more. Mattel, Ken’s surfing sponsor, has just made a reality-based Internet show named “Genuine Ken”—the goal of the show was to find a Genuine Ken. As if the real Ken somehow wasn’t genuine enough already. I never watched the show, but heard that the winner was some 25-year-old. (Apparently, “Genuine Ken” has translated into nearly 2 million Facebook likes—which might mean absolutely nothing. You’ll have to ask Mark Zuckerberg about that.)
So, anyway, Ken. Happy, happy late birthday. I’d sing to you if I could, but am not quite that technical yet. If Barbie gets a little out of hand, just remember that there are lots of better girls out there.