Barbie’s played a mom, a doctor, a ballerina, a surfer, a pop star, and a slew of other roles, which is great for girls to see. After all, who better to teach them that they can do anything they set their hearts on than the plastic princess they play with every day?

There’s only one problem. Whether walking her dog, rolling in her wheelchair or living it up in one of her many houses or cars, Barbie isn’t very realistic. Even pregnant Barbie’s measurements are, in a word, ridiculous, and we all know that today’s average American female body, which is a size 16, isn’t going to fit in those heels.

Barbie, it’s time for you to modernize. Here are five Barbies that need to be made in order to show girls what they can really look forward to in life.

5. PMS Barbie: This Barbie, also dubbed “Lillith,” comes with several different heads in order to accurately display her mood. Her tummy distends at the push of a button to account for her bloating, and accessories include a chocolate bar, a tiny box of Midol, and both a tiny and a life-sized Tampax—one for you and one for Barbie!

4. Serial Killer Barbie: We see it enough in film, and since kids are becoming so desensitized as it is, we should allow them to act out what they see in the average gore fest with their dolls as a healthy way to deal with the strong images and content. Each Barbie comes with its own body bag, pick axe and bottle of cyanide. A body is available for purchase separately, but as it breaks in pieces (which are easily reassembled for multiple uses) and comes with several tubes of fake blood and removable inner organs, it’s very much worth the price.

3. Angry Housewife Barbie: Fed up with Ken’s loafing about while she works, raises children and takes care of the home, Barbie comes with a frying pan, a box of matches and a passport, which all come in handy for various creative role-playing exercises. Barbie Dream House on Fire and Ken-with-a-Dent-in-His-Skull available separately.

2. Superhero Barbie: Instead of a cape or a leotard, this Barbie embodies the everyday woman. Her eyes do not close in order to resemble a real-life woman’s lack of sleep, and her weight, hair, and skin color are all changeable depending on the season, her stress level (which is monitored by a fashionable mood ring, included!) and her budget. Since she works, cooks, cleans, raises children, takes care of a household and does dozens of other tasks, she comes with over a thousand accessories and is consequently very expensive.

1. Issues with My Mother Barbie: This new edition joins the ranks of previous talking dolls, and delights young girls with phrases they will use in the near future, such as “Nobody loves me!” and “I hate my mother!” She comes complete with a bottle of pre-salted, authentic tears, a therapy bill, and a prescription for various antidepressants.